god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize