Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
