yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
