Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
