i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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