I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize