You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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