I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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