True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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