Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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