my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
