Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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