when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
