Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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