My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
