Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize