i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she smelled like a LAN party
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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