I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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