dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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