my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
