dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
where are my eyebrows?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
