youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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