So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
