I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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