the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
