You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
false alarm. still invincible.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
