It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
