"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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