I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
