i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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