So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I CAN MOONWALK!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
