Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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