I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
