hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
