He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
