I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
