i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
