Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
