I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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