Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
