I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
