Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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