i can't believe i had my finger in that
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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