I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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