I think im going to throw up on grandma
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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