I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
