Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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