using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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