Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
