I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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