Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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