Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
