i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
