I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
