I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
