I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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