I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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