I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
