Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
