apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
