I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
